On Grieving, and Letting Go

When she was 30, Anna got clean and sober. Too many drinks and drugs, on the weekends, then daily. She tried many times before to quit. She could always stop, but days, weeks or months later she rationalized she could have “just one.” This time she was done. 

One day, months into her sobriety, she had a strange feeling. She was inexplicably sad, even tearful. Her heart ached.  She called her therapist and asked for a phone session. Anna couldn’t understand it. What was happening? She and her therapist went down a list of recent events. Nothing clicked. Then her therapist said, “did anything happen this time of year?” 

The lightbulb went on. “My birthday is next week,” Anna said “My mother tried to kill herself on my birthday when I was 13.” 

Throughout the years, Anna had brushed the event aside. No one talked about it. Her mother had survived, gone to an institution for several months, returned home, and nothing was said. 

As a 13 year old, the focus had been on her mother. Finally, Anna could grieve the event for herself. She no longer relied on self-medication. She was strong enough, and safe enough, to begin healing from this and many other difficult, hidden memories.

Being Heard = Feeling Appreciated

How often do you get frustrated, and feel misunderstood? Usually it is because we are not feeling heard. It goes both ways. We want so much to be heard that we are busy pushing our point of view. Before you know it, boom, it’s an argument. This 3-step communication exercise is simple and can warm up even the most difficult conversations. Start with a simple topic. 1) Sit across from your partner, Decide who is listening, and who will speak. 2) The speaker picks a simple topic,, “What I really enjoy doing is…” (playing golf). Talk for 20-30 seconds only, and STOP. 3) The listener REFLECTS back to the speaker: “What I hear you saying is…” (repeat back just the content, nothing else. Check it out with your partner: did you hear the content right?). The listener VALIDATES: “That makes sense to me because…”(golf is what you love to do on Saturdays.). The listener EMPATHIZES: “I imagine you must feel…” (really happy when it’s time to go to the club, and satisfied when you get home).

This takes practice. Move to more difficult topics as you master the technique.

Setting Boundaries

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Change for the Better

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It's Okay to Fail

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Say Yes

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